Parenting isn’t just about managing behavior – it’s about winning hearts. Earning your chlid’s trust through connection strengthens your influence, paving the way for long-term spiritual growth. We live in a society that focuses on changing behavior, which only brings a temporary change. For lasting change, we need to intentionally connect to their hearts and build a strong relationship with them. This post will show you what it means to win your child’s heart, and why it matters now more than ever.
(For a step-by-step guide, see Strategy for Winning The Hearts Of Your Children)
What Does Winning Hearts Really Mean in Parenting?
Winning hearts” in parenting is more than just getting your kids to follow the rules. It means building a deep relationship with them that is built on love and trust, which leads to spiritual influence. It’s about gaining your heart loyalty, not just managing their outward behavior. When they give their hearts willingly, it gives you more opportunity to influence them through a relationship, rather than control.
Solomon mentions this in Proverbs 23:26, where it says, ‘My son, give me your heart, and let your eyes observe my ways.’ This should be the goal of heart-focused parenting – encouraging your kids to have a relationship with you built on trust, which leads them to follow your example.
There is a significant difference between winning hearts and controlling behavior. Controlling behavior brings short-term compliance, but the change isn’t lasting since the heart hasn’t been touched. Winning hearts, on the other hand, brings lasting change because it is based on love and a strong relationship. When you have your child’s heart, obedience becomes more of a willing response, versus a forced change.
(Dive deeper into Changing Behavior or Changing Hearts?)
Why Winning Hearts Matters More Than Winning Arguments
In parenting, it is easy to want to have the last word to prove your point, but winning arguments won’t lead to lasting change. When you focus on getting the last word in, or ‘winning,’ you risk pushing your kids away. Keeping the relationship strong is more important than winning the argument. When you have that heart connection, your influence is deeper, and your child is more open to hearing the truth.
Here’s why winning hearts has greater long-term value:
1. Long-term Influence
While surface obedience looks good in the moment, it often disappears when the external pressure to perform is removed. A strong heart tie, however, will last through the ups and downs of relationships with your kids. When you have built that trust with them, your voice will keep on speaking to them even when they are older or making hard choices on their own.
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2. Trust for Correction
Correcting is necessary in parenting, but how it is received depends on your relationship with your kids. When your child knows you love and accept them, even when they have failed, they feel safe with correction, knowing you care about them. Rather than withdrawing or getting defensive, they’re more likely to listen and take your words to heart.
3. Spiritual Growth
Rather than striving to raise a well-behaved child, the bigger picture is that you are discipling a future follower of Christ. Your spiritual influence on your kids begins with correction. When your child feels close to you emotionally, they are much more open to learning to walk with God, spending time in prayer, and being open to Biblical teaching. Strong heart ties gives you the opportunity to speak God’s truth into their lives.
(See Why You Need To Win Your Child’s Heart for biblical reasons this matters.)
How to Begin Winning Your Child’s Heart
Winning your child’s heart doesn’t happen by accident. It happens when you make intentional choices over time, designed to strengthen that connection. Start with purposeful steps that let your child know they are seen, heard, and loved.
1. Spend Intentional One-on-One Time
One of the best ways to make your child feel loved is by giving them your undivided attention. Set aside time regularly to connect with them when you have no distractions and are fully present. Whether it’s taking them out for ice cream, playing a game, or going for a walk together, the time you offer tells them they matter to you. When you are consistent with being intentional about spending time with them, it will build trust and encourage them to open their heart to you more.
Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining, and Bad Attitudes... in You and Your Kids
Passionate Parenting: Enjoying the Journey of Parenting TeensSolving A Crisis in Christian Parenting: Why so many prodigals?[(Child Training Tips : What I Wish I Knew When My Children Were Young)] [By (author) Reb Bradley] published on (August, 2014)
![[(Child Training Tips : What I Wish I Knew When My Children Were Young)] [By (author) Reb Bradley] published on (August, 2014)](https://m.media-amazon.com/images/I/51SnOcJL+QL._SL500_.jpg)
I found that when I had one-on-one time with my kids, they opened up and just talked and talked, sharing whatever was on their hearts. They felt special, which led them to feel safe to share.
(Try the 7 Day Challenge to Connect to Your Child and Win Their Heart and for simple daily ideas!)
2. Listen More Than You Lecture
Proverbs 18:13 (ESV): “If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame.”
One of the best ways to win your child’s heart is to truly listen. Stop what you’re doing, look at them, and listen without interrupting. Listen for their heart – are they expressing excitement, fear, or disappointment? Don’t allow yourself to jump in to give your thoughts. By listening, you build trust and show them their thoughts and words matter. This opens the door for a genuine, close connection, while giving you insight into their heart. When a child knows they are being heard, they are much more likely to listen in return.
3. Correct With Heart Focused Discipline
Discipline is an essential part of parenting, but you need to remember what the goal is.
‘In the big picture, all discipline is about bringing our children into a right relationship with their Heavenly Father that He might bless their lives. It’s not about controlling behavior, modifying behavior, or minimizing embarrassment. Biblically correcting your child is one of the greatest ways to win their heart to you and to God forever.’ (Passionate Parenting)
Use those times to address attitudes and heart issues to help shape their character, not just change their behavior. Encourage them to think about what was going on in their heart and what they can do to make it right. This will encourage them to take responsibility for their actions and seek God’s forgiveness.
(Learn practical tips in Training & Correcting the Heart with Scripture)
Dealing With Heart Issues: When Conflict Happens
Conflict is common in parenting, especially with siblings or a difficult child. However, conflicts always relate to heart issues that we need to look into and give Bible answers to. Our job as parents isn’t just to stop the conflict but to use it as an opportunity to shepherd our child’s heart.
1. Sibling squabbles are often heart issues, and not simply personality clashes.
When our kids are arguing or being unkind to each other, it reveals common heart issues such as pride, anger, an argumentative spirit, or selfishness. Rather than asking who is to blame or who started the conflict, use it as an opportunity to take them to God’s Word and show them how to solve conflicts Biblically. Give them Scripture answers for the heart issue they are struggling with.
( See Solving Sibling Squabbles: Dealing With The Heart Issue)
2. When rebellion surfaces, resist the urge to simply fix or change the behavior.
It’s normal to want to quickly change the wrong behavior to end the frustration it is causing. However, changing the behavior without addressing the heart issue is only a temporary fix. Rather than seeking a quick ‘change,’ ask what is going on in their heart?’
Sometimes rebellion is fueled by hurt or insecurity. Sometimes it is a cry for attention and affirmation. That’s when we need to focus on that heart connection that tells them they are valued and loved.
(More tips: How To Intentionally Parent the Heart)
Bible Verses and Tools for Training Hearts
The most powerful tool for training the hearts of our children, is God’s Word. His Word has power that our words do not have, and will be much more effective than our scolding. Take them to God’s Word and give them Biblical answers for heart issues, and then watch God work in their hearts through the power of His Word.
Deuteronomy 6:6-7 tells us to diligently teach God’s Word to our children. The world diligently implies being intentional or purposeful. This will take some work and time, but that is our job as parents.
How do we teach His Word to them diligently?
- Use it for correction
- Daily Scripture writing
- Read His Word together
- Memorize Scripture
- Train in Godly character
(Start simple with Training Kids’ Hearts With Scripture)
In summary, remember that winning hearts in parenting is not about controlling our kids, but rather about winning their hearts so we can influence them. It means choosing to be patient, praying consistently for them, and being purposeful about building the relationship with them daily.
Remember this quote on hard days: “Heart ties today build spiritual leaders for tomorrow.” ~Oswald Sanders
Stay faithful, Mom. You are doing Kingdom work in your child’s heart!
