What does the Bible say about raising a difficult child? Dealing with a difficult child is a common problem that parents deal with, and it can be very challenging! Two of our children were what I would describe as “difficult” or challenging so I know the frustration, and even tears, those kids can bring.
Dealing with a Difficult Child: A Common Challenge
I want to encourage you to remember two things as you raise your difficult child:
- You are not alone in this! Other parents out there are struggling with some of the same issues as you are.
- GOD knows what you are going through, and He cares. He gave you that child just the way he is, and He will be there to guide you and give wisdom.
Seeking Guidance from God’s Word
As Christian parents, the most important things we can and should do when facing the challenges of raising a difficult child are:
- Seek answers from God’s Word.
The Bible is our guidebook and has the answers to any and all struggles that we face in our parenting. So get into the Word of God and seek His answers daily to the struggles you are dealing with when teaching and training your difficult children.
- Go to God in prayer regularly.
Ask God to give you the wisdom that you need to train your difficult child, as well as the patience. Seek His guidance in dealing with that child in a patient and loving way. God invites us to come to him with our needs and to seek His wisdom, so take advantage of that offer, rather than trying to do it in your own strength and wisdom.
James 1:5 “If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him.”
Hebrews 4:16 “Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need.”
Daily there will be many times that you call out to God for help and wisdom with your difficult child, but remember, He INVITES us to come and welcomes us!
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Understanding ‘Difficult’ in a Biblical Context
Sometimes we wonder why our child is SO difficult? It doesn’t seem like other people’s kids are like that. Are we doing something wrong? Does the child need more correction or more love? Maybe a mixture of both?
The first thing to remember is that our children are born as sinners. No one had to teach my kids to lie, be selfish, or be disobedient. They just did those things on their own! It shouldn’t be a surprise to us when our kids show these wrong behaviors. However, often our difficult child shows MORE of the wrong behaviors than our other kids or doesn’t seem as compliant when it comes to how they respond to our training.
Then it’s easy for us to start looking for reasons (or excuses) for their behavior. We need to keep in mind, however, that despite any reason there may be for the behaviors, there are still certain BIblical standards we must hold that difficult child to.
I love how Reb Bradley answers the question “Can different children be held to the same standard?” in his book Child Training Tips:
“It is true – every child is different from all others, but that does not mean they can be held to different standards. God’s standards are the same for everyone. Kindness is kindness, respect is respect, obedience is obedience, and rudeness is rudeness. God’s standards do not change from child to child – they may be harder to achieve with one child than another, but like god, His standards are eternal and unchangeable.
Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining, and Bad Attitudes... in You and Your Kids
Passionate Parenting: Enjoying the Journey of Parenting Teens
The statement, “My child is different” is a dangerous statement. In one context, a parent may say it simply referring to the personality differences between children, but all too often it is an attempt to justify a child’s disobedience. Don’t ever use a label as an excuse for ungodly behavior.”
![[(Child Training Tips : What I Wish I Knew When My Children Were Young)] [By (author) Reb Bradley] published on (August, 2014)](https://m.media-amazon.com/images/I/51SnOcJL+QL._SL500_.jpg)
The other thing to keep in mind when dealing with the challenges of a difficult child is that God wants you to depend on Him. He wants you to recognize that you can’t deal with this child on your own.
I love this quote by Israel Wayne:
“The reason God creates difficult children and sends them into our home is to give us the blessed opportunity of coming to the complete end of ourselves. At the end of ourselves is where we meet Him.”
It’s important to remember that when you are frustrated or discouraged with the daily struggles you may have with your challenging child!
Scriptural Guidance and Examples
While the Bible doesn’t use the actual words “difficult child” it does provide important principles to guide us as we teach and train them.
1. Proverbs 22:6 “Train up a child in the way he should go;”
When I refer to this verse in my book DEALING WITH A DIFFICULT CHILD, I mention that the verse doesn’t say to bring them up in the way their brother or sister should go. We need to train them according to their needs and personality, and that may look different than how we train them versus their siblings.
The important thing to remember is that we need to train them, and despite training them differently based on their unique personality, we still have to require Godly standards, as I mentioned earlier in this post.
- Ephesians 6:4 “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”
- Colossians 3:21 “Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.”
It’s EASY to provoke our children to anger if we aren’t careful, and as a result, they become discouraged. We need to be patient and teach and train them lovingly, as God patiently teaches and guides us.
Patience and Love: A Biblical Mandate
Two key ingredients the Bible mandates for our parenting are patience and love.
1 Corinthians 13:4 “Love is patient, love is kind.
Ephesians 4:2 “Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.”
Proverbs 15:1 “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”
Since the difficult child tends to get corrected more often than our other kids, it’s easy to get frustrated and impatient with them! Left unchecked, that can lead to anger.
Our anger as we deal with them, can then cause them to get angry. As a result, they close their heart to us, and we begin to lose influence with them. It’s vital that we discipline calmly, and always seek to win their heart.
Before you deal with your child’s wrong behavior, take a few minutes to calm yourself, and seek God’s guidance on how to deal with it in a loving, Biblical way.
Use Scripture to show them what God says about the behavior, and give them Biblical answers to their struggles.
This will do two things:
- It will help you to stay calm and patient when correcting and training.
- It will teach your child to go to God’s Word for answers.
Consistency is the key to staying patient in your training and discipline. The expectations and consequences shouldn’t change based on your mood, or what you are doing at the time. You have to be consistent and mean what you say.
Our difficult children thrive on routine, and when we are consistent in our expectations and discipline, it helps them see what the boundaries are, and that you mean what you say. Consistent discipline begins with your example. How you respond to daily situations says a lot to your kids about what you expect from them. Use teachable moments that arise in your daily life. If someone treats you wrong, talk to your kids about how that made you feel, and how you responded kindly even though it was hard.
Discipline According to the Bible
Correction needs to stem from our love for our children and the desire to keep their hearts in alignment with God’s heart.
Often we forget what the goal is, and we find ourselves thinking things like:
“I’m going to get you under control because you are embarrassing me!”
“That’s it! You are annoying me so much. I’m not taking this anymore.”
Then we focus on changing their behavior rather than looking at and correcting the heart issue, using Scripture. Often our spirit isn’t right when we discipline and train when thinking like that. We forget the real purpose of discipline and the important opportunity we have at that time.
Cary Schmidt says it so well in his book Passionate Parenting:
“Discipline is a holy thing. Too often we parents take discipline lightly or treat it flippantly. In the big picture, all discipline is about bringing our children into a right relationship with their heavenly Father, that He might bless their lives. It’s NOT about controlling behavior, modifying behavior, or minimizing embarrassment. Pure and simple, it’s about bringing them into proper alignment with the heart, ways, and favor of their gracious Heavenly Father. Biblically correcting your child is one of the greatest ways to win their hearts to you and to God, forever.”
What does the Bible say about raising a difficult child?
Using Scripture is the best way to keep your focus right, as well as using this opportunity to let God speak to your child’s heart. His Word has power that our words don’t have and will bring conviction that our words don’t have the power to do.
Perhaps you love the idea of using Scripture for training and addressing the heart issue when wrong behavior is shown, but you struggle to think of a verse that fits the offense! I remember that happening to me often when my kids were young. I wanted to use Scripture, but just couldn’t think of one quickly enough, so I resorted to scolding or yelling. And usually the words would go right in one ear and out the other of the offending child.
Finally, I put the book Training & Correcting the Heart With Scripture together to help parents with this struggle! It has a list of common wrong behaviors and a list of Scripture references for each offense. That way you can go to the list, and then take your kids right to Scripture! Using the Bible to train and correct your child’s heart is the best way to correct your difficult child lovingly while focusing on correcting the heart issue.
Support Systems and Spiritual Community
Often when raising a difficult child, you feel alone. You don’t want to do things with other families because that child misbehaves and causes problems or embarrasses you.
You don’t like to talk about your struggles because you look at other families, and think “None of their children are like my child.”
The truth is you are NOT alone in this! I have been speaking at conferences for over 25 years, and whenever I present a workshop on Dealing With a Difficult Child, the room is packed! It’s important to reach out for help! Find mom friends and share your struggles. You will probably be surprised to find that other moms relate, and then you both feel better knowing you’re not alone. You both can share what has helped you or what is working for you, as well as pray for each other.
I’d also suggest finding some good parenting groups online and getting involved in them.
These are a few of my favorites:
Parenting Today’s Teens with Mark Gregston
Raising Them Up – Parenting For Christians
Be sure to remember the opportunity of getting Biblical help from your pastor as well. My husband and I went to our pastor several times over our 30-some years of parenting our 8 kids when we needed help with specific parenting struggles.
Practical Tips for Everyday Struggles
Dealing with a difficult child is definitely challenging, but there are some strategies Christian parents can implement to train their child while pointing them to God and His Word.
- Don’t forget to pray!!
- Have clear boundaries that you consistently enforce. Teach your child to take responsibility for their actions, rather than excuse it.
- Be sure to stay calm and discipline with love.
- Don’t push away from them. Sometimes that difficult child pushes your buttons, and you find yourself wanting to get away from them. Realize that often when their behavior is worse than normal, it’s a cry for attention or affirmation. Don’t push away, but rather draw them in. Be sure they know you love them, even when they are struggling and their behavior is wrong.
- Choose your battles wisely. You will have a lot of conflict with a difficult child, so be sure to choose what is important to fight for. If it’s just a matter of preference, let it go. If it’s a matter of them doing something God says is wrong, that’s a battle you need to fight.
- Give them lots of praise and encouragement. Our difficult children tend to get scolded and corrected much more frequently than their siblings, and can easily begin to think they will never be able to please you. Let them know what pleases you, and praise and encourage them when you see it! Watch for opportunities to praise them. They need that!
How to deal with a rebellious child biblically
One of the biggest concerns when raising a difficult child is that they will turn out to be rebellious or become a prodigal child. While the Bible doesn’t really address rebellion in kids, it does clearly command children to be obedient.
Colossians 3:20-21 says, “Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.
Romans 13:2 shows the importance of respecting and obeying authority while avoiding rebellion: “Whosoever therefore resisteth the power, resisteth the ordinance of God, and those who resist shall receive for themselves damnation.”
It’s clear to see that rebellion and disobedience in our children goes against God’s will, and brings negative consequences. Therefore we must be aware of what leads to rebellion, and what we can do to help our kids avoid it.
Some of the common parenting mistakes that lead our kids to rebellion are:
- We react with embarrassment.
- We refuse to admit there is an issue or problem.
- We refuse to admit there is an issue or problem.
- We respond inconsistently to wrong behavior.
- We are complacent, hoping that it’s a phase that will soon end.
- We set a bad example.
- We allow passive rebellion.
Are you unknowingly raising a rebel? Find out what the most common causes of rebellion are.
Join me for a free 5-day series: 5 Parenting Mistakes That Lead To Rebellion
We will look at five ways you can inadvertently instill a rebellious spirit in your child’s heart, and Biblical answers will be given as to how to deal with early rebellion. A daily email will be sent for 5 consecutive days. Be sure to order the study guide that goes with this series, so you can take notes, and apply what is taught.
In summary, remember that God entrusted you to raise that difficult child, and if you ask He will give you the wisdom you need to point that child to Him, and parent consistently and lovingly.
If you have a difficult child, I’d love to hear your own experiences or what Scriptures have helped you!
