Bad attitudes are one of the things that really gets under the skin of a parent – and unfortunately, we react instead of respond, and too often we take it personally which only makes our reaction even less helpful in guiding our child’s heart.
How Do You Parent A Child With A Bad Attitude?
What is attitude?
We often interpret attitude as the snide, subtle, and emotionally driven reactions to our instructions and rules – or our authority. And when we define attitude that way we look for ways to parent their outward behaviour. We want to stop the pouting and glaring, the stomping feet, the throwing toys, slamming doors, and the aggression. But attitude is the external expression of something that is being processed in our hearts.
Luke 6:45 “The good person out of the good treasure of his heart produces good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure produces evil, for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks.”
A bad attitude is an external expression of turmoil in the heart. When the heart is processing what is the right thing to do, and the heart does not want to do the right thing, we express this tension in our actions, words, or attitude (the vibe we give off). In other words, attitude is a physical expression of an emotion.
There are a few things that parents often get wrong when it comes to attitude:
- We deal with the obvious actions we see, not the heart that is struggling.
- We see any attitude as rebellion, and in doing so don’t deal with what is really going on in the heart.
- We demand instant change in our child when we sense an attitude, which ignores the idea that the heart needs to process beliefs, values, thoughts, and feelings to make choices. We can’t demand on-the-spot change, and neither is change quick.
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See the Attitude and Address the Heart
Whenever we see attitude we need to slow down and think about what is going on in the heart of our child.
- What are they thinking or believing about God, you as their parent, themselves, and their place in the world?
- What virtues are they choosing to ignore (or what vice are they choosing to live)?
- What emotions are they processing?
It’s not just about the actions that they are choosing – an action is an external expression of what is going on in the heart.
Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining, and Bad Attitudes... in You and Your Kids
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Actions come from what we feel, our feelings come from what we think is true. But our thoughts aren’t always based on truth – and as Christian parents, we want our children to base their thoughts – their standard of what is true – on God’s word.
When we don’t give time to think about what is going on in our child’s heart we will just address the outward behavior – the external expression. We will tell them off, give a consequence, and demand change. But until we deal with what is on the inside – where they are not processing thoughts, feelings, and choices based on God’s truth – then there will be no change, and certainly no lasting right behavior.
Attitude is not Always Rebellion
It is too easy to label every negative behavior as rebellion – but that is bandaid parenting and it never reaches the heart. In fact, when we label every wrong action as rebellion our children feel ignored, unseen, and misunderstood and they grow to resent us – and their focus becomes on the wrongness of us as a parents, not what is going on in their hearts.
Of course, your child’s attitude could be based on rebellion – on a deliberate and intentional act of resistance or defiance against authority. But often something else is going on.
Practical Steps to Address Any Attitude
One Bible verse that is always a timely reminder for parents is Proverbs 15:1
“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Proverbs 15:1
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- Pause, step away: When you see attitude, you need to deal with it, you need to take the child out of what they are doing so you have a calm, safe place to talk about what is going on.
- Say what you see: Tell them what you see (I can see that you are angry right now. Do you want to talk about it, or do you need time to calm down?)
- Give time to process: Don’t rush their answers. If our goal is for them to take ownership of their thoughts, feelings, and actions then we need to give them time to process.
- Talk about it: When they are ready to talk they need to acknowledge what is going on and accept that it was wrong. Remember to talk about their action (choices) as well as their thoughts, feelings, and beliefs that motivated that action.
- Teach into it: You then have a small opportunity to confirm what is right, and why it is right. Don’t make it a lecture, but they need to understand why something is the right thing to do.
- Practice it: Once they have accepted & apologized for what was wrong, and agreed with what is right they can get back to what they are doing but this time doing the right thing with the right attitude. Giving them a do-over, or an opportunity to practice what is right is a part of the learning process.
- Speak life: This is why it is important to keep our hearts gentle towards our children because they need our encouragement. Your beliefs about your child will come out in your words. They need to hear that we believe they are able to do the right thing, and that we see when they do. Be ready to give praise and encouragement throughout the day.
Parenting a child with a bad attitude requires patience, understanding, and a willingness to look at what is really going on. There is no quick fix! By discerning what your child is struggling with instead of assuming they are rebellious will set the context for you to help your child grow. Remember, your role is not to control or dictate their behavior but to guide them in processing their beliefs, values, thoughts, feelings, and choices in a way that aligns with God’s word so that they can make wise choices. Just punishing for rebellion completely removes this opportunity.
Heart-focused Parenting Action Step
Is this a new thought to you? Have you been calling everything rebellion? I’ve created a parenting cheat sheet to help! It will help you start to see other struggles going on in your child’s heart – not just labeling everything as rebellion. Dealing with any heart struggle requires patience and understanding – but it starts with discerning what is really going on. Sign up for Heart Boosters and receive your free “Discerning Bad Attitude Cheat Sheet for Parents” today. Start focusing on your child’s heart, not just their behavior.
Heart Boosters is a collection of free resources to inspire, encourage, and guide you in your heart-focused parenting. Weekly emails, podcast reminders, and a digital Resource Library (printables and worksheets) will help you stay intentional, relational, and heart-focused in every parenting challenge you face.
This post was written by: Belinda Letchford
Heart-focused parenting helps parents raise their kids to be self-governing individuals in a healthy family.
Join Heart Boosters for weekly encouragement to stay heart-focused in your family life.
