Anger is one of the most common reasons that we lose the hearts of our children. However, it is possible to restore relationships damaged by anger, and win back the hearts of our children.
Recently I posted the following status on my Facebook page:
Parents who want to influence their children can’t rely only on their aut
hority to keep their kids obedient. If we want to have significant influence on them, we must have their hearts.
A reader messaged me in response to this post and asked:
“How do I recapture and retain their hearts?? I’ve parented in anger far too often. I know they know I love them, and I apologize frequently. I just feel guilty for losing my temper so much. My 10 y/o dd is already becoming bitter, and it breaks my heart.”
I have talked to many parents at conferences who have asked the same question. I don’t think that it is EVER too late to win their hearts back, but the older they get, the more of a challenge it will be.
1. ALWAYS apologize when you have responded to your kids in anger.
We need to swallow our pride, and admit we were wrong because the relationship is much more important than our pride! When you have lost it with your kids and responded wrong, give a proper apology:
I’m sorry for _____. I was wrong in how I responded. Will you forgive me?
ALL parents respond in anger at times; the key is not to let it be the norm, and to apologize each time, whether that is 10 times a day, or twice a year)
Apologizing brings restoration to the relationship and heals the hurt. It also shows our children how our relationship with God works. If we confess our sins to Him, He is faithful to forgive us, and our relationship once again is restored with Him.
2. If you feel you have lost their heart, express that to them.
Tell them how much you love them, and want to have that relationship restored. Ask them if there is something in particular that you have done to push them away, or that hurt them. Then be willing to apologize, and make it right.
3. Don’t bring up past offenses, or things that have been taken care of.
That will lead to resentment and the feeling that you will never let them live down their mistakes. They, in turn, will have trouble forgiving you when you apologize.
4. Work to intentionally pursue their heart.
This means spending time with them. Relationships don’t do well when there is little to no time spent together. Intentionally seek to build that relationship.
This may require some sacrifice on your part, but the benefits of having your child’s heart is worth any sacrifice!
Just a few ideas to help you as you pursue their heart:
5. Don’t allow yourself to get bitter toward that child that requires more from you, or tends to “mess up” often.
The bitterness will eat away at you, and hurt the relationship more. Ask God to let His love flow through you to that child/teen.
6. Realize that the battle for your kids’ hearts is a spiritual battle.
THEY are not the enemy. We need to realize who we are fighting, and that we cannot win the battle in our own strength.
7. PRAY, PRAY, and PRAY some more!!
Ask God to give you wisdom as you strive to restore the relationship. Ask Him to work in your heart and the child’s heart.
Join our free 30-day prayer challenge: Praying Biblical Virtues For Your Children
8. When the behavior occurs that makes you angry, send the child to their room to think about what they have done, and to give YOU time to calm down.
Find solutions for the situations that tend to make you angry on a regular basis. Talk to your kids about it, find a plan that tells them what is expected, and list consequences that can be calmly administered when necessary.
9. Correct with Scripture.
When you use God’s Word to correct wrong behavior or attitudes in your kids, it makes it a lot harder to stay angry with them.
Also, God’s Word has power that will work in their hearts more than our words will. Remember that the purpose of correction and discipline is to restore that child’s relationship with God.
10. If anger is an ongoing issue with you, get help for it!
Anger WILL destroy your relationships if you don’t get it under control. By that, I don’t mean you NEVER get angry again. I mean you don’t get angry near as often, and you apologize immediately each time you realize it has happened.
Be encouraged and go fight for that relationship! You need to win and keep your child’s heart.
(Winning the Hearts of Your Children Part 1, Part 2, Part 3)
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Tikva, that’s a tough situation! I would just keep working on letting her know that you feel her hurt, and that you realize it must still be hard because she misses her, etc. Let her know you did it because you loved her foster sister and she needed the help. Keep working on building a relationship with her by affirming her and letting her know you love her and care about her.
Hello!
My daughter is angry with me, and blames everything on me. She is so angry that she recently went to live with her dad. She is angry that her best friend and foster sister had to go out of state to a mental facility; she says I kicked her out. There may be older hurts underneath related to divorce and the attention that she did not get while having the foster sister.
I need advice on how to mend our relationship.
I have tried everything I know. I think she wants me to apologize and admit to kicking out the sister, which I can not do. I have apologized for the pain it caused her. I tend to be too analytical.
I do not know how to approach this again and she will not meet with me…yet.
Thanks much!