Often in our efforts to train our children in Godly character, and encourage them to live lives that are pleasing to God, we tend to constantly comment on the negative things that we see.
This often leads them to feel like they can never please us, and they may even begin to wonder if we even like them.
In the book “Solving A Crisis In Christian Parenting” Reb Bradley tells this story while looking back on his parenting:
“Something my son said shortly after he started his job kept coming back to me. When I picked him up the second night of work, he got int he car with a big smile on his face and said, “They like me!”
As I dwelt on that comment, it suddently came clear to me – my son had finally met someone who liked him for who he was. Few others in his entire life had shown him acceptance, especially not his mother and I.
It is no exaggeration – in our efforts to shape and improve him, all we did was find fault with everything he did. We loved him dearly, but he constantly heard from us that what he did (who he was) wasn’t good enough. He craved our approval, but we couldn’t be pleased.
Years later I realized he had given up trying to please us when he was 14, and from then on he was just patronizing us.”
Was I conveying that I couldn’t be pleased, and in so doing pushing them away from me, and the opportunity to influence them and point them to God?
The thing we need to keep in mind as parents is that influence is more important than authority.
I love the following words from a post by Cary Schmidt, author of Passionate Parenting, which is one of my favorite parenting books! (Shared with permission)
“Do you want your children to love God? Do you want them to truly enjoy living life with and for Jesus Christ?
There’s an unspoken principle that many parents or leaders miss. It often goes ignored, unrecognized, and completely invisible. But it plays out in every family and church.
It is present in every parenting struggle and every parenting success. It’s huge. Stay with me!
Influence trumps authority. That’s it. End of article. Influence trumps authority! But it sounds trite, simplistic, and possibly even erroneous! So, let’s look more closely.
If you truly desire to bring up your children “in the nurture and admonition of the Lord”, you must do more than rule them.
It’s necessary to do more than educate them, manage them, teach them.
You must do more than feed, clothe, and house them. You must even do more than pray for and with them.
Frankly, you must do more than love them.
I’m not talking about a trite, simplistic, surface form of “like.”
No, I’m referring to what the Apostle Paul experienced toward the Thessalonican Christians when he said that he was “gentle among you, even as a nurse cherisheth her children” and “affectionally desirous” of them and they were “dear unto us” so much so that he and his co-laborers “imparted not the gospel of God only, but our own souls…” (1 Thessalonians 2:7-8)
These “unbelievers-turned-new-believers-turned-dynamic-church” were the beneficiaries of more than ritual ministry or Apostolic authority. They were blessed to experience an authentic, passionate, personal, sacrificial relationship with the Apostle Paul.
There’s a powerful parenting principle in this passage.
In a few words, I want to try to describe what I believe to be the single most important parenting principle in scripture—influence trumps authority.
The logic in a kid’s mind goes like this: “If you don’t like me, then I don’t like you. Which means I’d rather hole up in my room, leave you to your career, and hope to keep you off my back until I’m 18 when I can finally break free to go find relationships where I am valued and liked.”
Ouch!
Many parents try to find the answers to their parenting struggle in “AUTHORITY.” But most of the long-term answers that matter are found in “INFLUENCE!”
Authority is merely the foundation from which to build influence—not the end in itself.
That’s not to say that authority isn’t absolutely essential—it is. But successful parenting takes more than just authority.
For instance, if you want to control me, leverage your authority.
If you want to change me, then develop a relationship of influence.
If you actually want me to adopt your belief system, your values—if you desire to change my heart, then you must have influence with me—profound influence!
It sounds simple, but it’s actually pretty complex. Let’s break it down…
If you read 1 Thessalonians 2:1-12 you will see that the Apostle Paul didn’t charge into this city of unbelievers leveraging his apostolic authority. I imagine he could have. But it wouldn’t have worked.
He chose another route—a more sincere humble path. And twice in the passage, he compares what he did to exactly what a mother or a father should do with their children.
He entered the city and first expressed authentic love and compassion. His authenticity—his consistent, risky, sacrificial, courageous, pure, selfless ministry gave him something very valuable in the eyes of these “soon to be” Christians.
His authenticity gained him credibility.
The Apostle—as a spiritual father—entered into ministry in this city with absolute authenticity. And so in parenting—inconsistency (or duplicity) produces uncertainty and skepticism (or even cynicism.)
In other words, if you’re playing a game and not sacrificially developing a real relationship with your kids, they will see through you, and then you lose credibility.
Your faith becomes silly in their minds, and your authority becomes invalid. (Practically, that is… at least to them.)
All of our kids have a subconscious radar detecting pretense and fakery. Through it, they are building a case, like little attorneys, to either invalidate our faith and authority or validate it. (Hold that thought.)
In verses 7-12, the Holy Spirit through Paul describes how these new Christians were influenced. Because of the Apostle’s credibility, he was able, in a very short time to exert profound influence in this city!
Paul was doing more than his duty, or his obligation. He was “affectionately desirous” of these people.
They were drawn to Him and to the work of the Holy Spirit through him.
They opened their hearts to his influence.
Paul says he was gentle (kind), he cherished them, he was affectionately desirous of them, he gave them his own soul, he labored and travailed for them night and day (he lost sleep investing into them!), he told them the truth (the gospel), he exhorted, comforted, charged them.
In other words, he pleaded with them, he consoled or empathized with them, and he challenged them with facts and true evidence. This man absolutely expended himself for the transformation of these people!
And then he says something very powerful about all of this activity—“…even as a father doth his children…” Whoa! That’s where every parent gets smacked right in the face with this passage.
Are you expending yourself in that way for your children?
Is your focus building such a close relationship as that?
Are you pursuing their hearts at such a personal, sacrificial level—laboring and travailing night and day? Exhorting, comforting, charging? Gentle, cherishing, desiring?
That’s a really tall order!
Most parents would play the victim and say, “I don’t have time do to all that!”—ah, but you do. You are merely choosing to give that time to things you value—like a career, or a credit card bill, or a car payment.
And yet, this is the sacrifice required to truly build incredible influence!
This is where the whole formula lands back on the strong foundation of biblical authority!
What happened when these unbelievers came into contact with authenticity? It gave the Apostle credibility.
What did he do with it? He used it to influence! And what did his powerful, biblical influence lead to? Validated authority!
Look at the results—“For this cause also thank we God without ceasing, because, when ye received the word of God which ye heard of us, ye received it not as the word of men, but as it is in truth, the word of God, which effectually worketh also in you that believe.” 1 Thessalonians 2:13
His influence validated not only his authority, but also the final authority—Jesus Christ, and His living Word!
These unbelievers were brought to a point where they voluntarily chose to receive and submit to the authority of the Word of God. This is really big!
What does your child need more than anything else? A relationship with God! A life built upon God’s Word, God’s authority, God’s guidance. That’s the goal!
The goal isn’t to merely control them, manage them, and leverage your authority.
The goal is to influence them into a life-long relationship under God’s authority.
So parent, what’s your role in that process?
Yes, you are an authority.
Yes, you must protect your children by using and expressing your God-given authority.
You must set boundaries, explain consequences, meet out punishment.
Yes, you must exert biblical leadership and authority.
Your kids will not know you like them. You cannot win the heart by leveraging authority. You win the heart by influence.
And you don’t have influence unless your child extends it to you!
You can demand submission to your authority. But you cannot demand influence in their hearts. That is something you must earn—through a close relationship.
Influence is something they extend to you by a subconscious act of their will—a reaction of trust and unconditional acceptance.
It happens when you are real, and when you are safe—when you really accept them in God’s grace just as they are. Influence is something they will grant you as you live and love credibly before them.
Think of it for a moment. Hollywood and secular culture will spend billions and billions to influence your child.
Satan doesn’t need authority to wreck your kid’s life. He just needs influence. And through the lies of secular culture, Satan is completely rewriting the value and belief system of Christian kids—through INFLUENCE!
And he’s effectively negating the influence of parents and pastors, often because those adults are grasping for authority and are blind to the fact that they have lost all influence.
Dozens of times, I’ve sat in a room with a rebellious teenager and desperate parents. The teen is doing everything he can to fight and rebel. And we could blame a lot of things.
We could blame the sin nature of the teen, the wicked influences of culture, the pressure of peers, the power of temptation. Or, we could blame a neglectful father, a messed up priority structure, a broken home life, an abusive past.
The blame could be pointed in lots of directions—but when the relationship is broken, the reason is often irrelevant to the solution.
In these moments desperate parents want their child to submit to their authority. But even if he or she does—there’s a much bigger problem!
Winning the authority struggle is only a temporary victory usually lulling parents back into relational sleep, while influence (or the total loss of it) goes entirely unnoticed.
In other words, the teen learns how to appease—how to play the game, to conform to keep the adults “off his back.”
Meanwhile, they still have no influence! And usually, no one sees it. It’s like a silent, invisible gorilla in the room.
In nearly every case, these parents have not only lost authority. They have lost influence! And retaining or regaining authority won’t fix the total and complete loss of influence.
The question is not “How can we regain authority? How can we get our kid to do what we say?”
The question is, “Where and when did we lose influence with our child? How have we failed to transfer our beliefs and values? At what point did our authority and belief system become in-credible?”
In other words, “Where and when did this relationship break to the point that this kid totally dismisses us?—we have no credibility, no viability, and therefore no influence!”
How often we miss this question!
If you have no influence, your authority is probably broken too. And if you have no influence, you cannot win the war for your child.
[click_to_tweet tweet=”If you have no influence, your authority is probably broken too. And if you have no influence, you cannot win the war for your child.” quote=”If you have no influence, your authority is probably broken too. And if you have no influence, you cannot win the war for your child.”]
The question to winning the heart is, “How can I go back to the place where we lost influence, and how can we regain trust, re-establish credibility, and rebuild influence?”
And just as with the Apostle Paul, biblical influence will always validate and strengthen your authority.
You kids will welcome, love, appreciate, and value your authority—because they TRUST you, and you have a profound influence with their heart!
So yes, influence trumps authority. And here’s one more reason why.
Your children will soon outgrow your authority, but they will never outgrow your influence!
Not far beyond 18 or 20, you will no longer have authority. It’s coming. Deal with it.
You won’t always be able to call the shots. But that’s ok!
If you live authentically, and love passionately, you will gain credibility—you will establish influence (through a close relationship), and you can have that for as long as you live—and even beyond!
Pursue the heart of your child! Like the Apostle Paul, be “affectionately desirous” of them. Expend yourself in an authentic relationship. In so doing, you will build influence.
When it comes to protecting your child—think “authority.” But when it comes to directing your child—think “influence!”
[click_to_tweet tweet=”When it comes to protecting your child—think “authority.” But when it comes to directing your child—think “influence!”” quote=”When it comes to protecting your child—think “authority.” But when it comes to directing your child—think “influence!””]
**Cary Schmidt is the author of the book I mention often: Passionate Parenting. This book is a great resource with practical teaching on pursuing the heart of your child!
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Good observations Laura! Love this. Glad you have those moms to inspire you, and that you enjoyed the post as well!
I so appreciate this post. I have some coworker moms at work who share experiences about their adult children. Many struggle but there are others who seem to have a refreshing and connected relationship with their adult children. They are the ones maintaining phone conversations and texts about the little things in their “children’s” lives. They are the ones who have pursued even the littlest interests in what their adult children are interested in. When their children share struggles they’re going through these moms breathe a sort of acceptance and understanding into the humanity and brokenness that comes with being human. I suppose it is that they are just more understanding than they are judging . They inspire me to seek for ways to be connected with my children in a purposeful way and to grace the decisions they make in an understanding way.
I think the two go together. To point your children to God & His Word, it’s important to have a good relationship and a strong bond.
So glad you enjoyed it Julia, and that it gave you something to think about. Sometimes it can be hard to find that balance, can’t it?!
I agree with you thoroughly. Unless you share a strong bond with your child, there is no chance that you can inculcate the right values in your child. In the past, undue importance was given to religion and religious beliefs. Things have changed now and one needs to adapt as parents of the changing times.
This is so powerful. Thank you for posting this! I was just considering the parable of the leaven the other day (not in light of parenting), and that right there shows the power of influence too! Thank you for getting the permission to share the quoted material. Being a goal-oriented person can be so unhelpful in gaining influence, but the other side of my personality is spontaneous and longs for times of connection. I really struggle to find the balance between both sides of my nature. This has given my some food for thought. Thanks again for sharing it!