The strong-willed child is definitely challenging with his persistence, energy, and determination. As a result, when parenting a strong-willed child it’s easy to look at their strong will as a bad thing.
In reality, though, kids who are strong-willed become great teens, young adults, and leaders if we steer them right.
How do we parent a strong-willed child in a positive way, to bring out the positive and good in them?
Giving orders to them often opens the door for argument and conflict. However, when you offer a choice they are more likely to be cooperative, as they had some say in the matter.
If doing something is non-negotiable, a good way to handle it is: “Do you want to do your chores now, or do you want to wait till after our snack?”
They still have to do it, but get a choice as to when.
The description “strong-willed child” usually has a negative connotation, but it’s NOT a negative thing!
A strong-will is a positive trait that requires parents to guide and channel in the right direction.
Strong-willed children are usually self-motivated and focused. They go after what they want and don’t let peer pressure sway them.
These are traits that make great leaders!
A strong-willed child needs parents that are strong-willed, and who will enforce the rules and routines. They need to know that if the rule is NO about something, that’s not going to change by them pushing and begging.
Have specific limits and rules, that always have a consistent response.
If you are consistent with the rules and routines with all the kids in the family, the strong-willed child will quickly realize that you aren’t picking on them.
For example, rather than telling them to hurry and get ready for bed, calmly remind them “The rule is to be in your bed by 8:30. If you hurry, we’ll have time to read a book!”
This puts the ball in their court.
It is easy to get frustrated with the way they push the limits and try to get their way. Rather than focusing on those behaviors, try to see what is going on in their heart that you need to deal with.
Molding their heart should be our focus, rather than changing their behavior.
If “winning” is going to cost you the relationship, take a break and tell the child that you will talk about it later.
Refuse to let them engage you in argument and anger, by walking away and saying “I need to think some more about this. We will discuss it tomorrow.”
Sometimes we choose battles that aren’t important enough, and then we don’t want to back down.
Be wise, and re-consider.
If you still feel you need to stand strong, approach it with a kind heart and explain, “As your parent, I love you and want what is best for you. I don’t feel this is something I can allow, even though I know you really want to do it. I know you are disappointed, and I understand that. How about if we choose a special activity in place of that – what would you like to do?”
This shows them that you care about them, and their emotions. It also shows that you respect their feelings. and will help you to win their heart!
None of us can be perfect parents, and with the strong-willed child, we ARE going to make mistakes.
However, we CAN be praying parents, and that is the source of our power! Don’t try to do it in your own strength or wisdom, but go to God daily and seek His help. (Prayer – It Makes a Difference!)
Because you will tend to have frequent confrontations with the strong-willed child, it’s important to make a habit of frequently telling them that you love them.
Don’t assume that they know that – they need to hear it!
Being confident of your love for them helps them to trust you have their best interest at heart when there is a difference of opinion or conflict.
When they are being stubborn, it is a good time to remind them that you love them just the way they are, and how glad you are God gave them to you.
Hang in there on the tough days, Mom! God gave you that strong-willed child, and He will give you the strength and wisdom you need.[magicactionbox]
5 Responses
Hi Tolu! Glad you found my site, and that the post was helpful to you. There are some things where you can’t give them an option, but when possible it still does help. So at bedtime you could say, “It’s time for bed. Do you want to read a book first, or should I tell you a story?” Or “Do you want to wear your red PJs or your blue ones?” When they say “But Mummy”, stop and train them. Remind them that obedience is doing what you are told right away with a good attitude – and have them respond to your instructions with “Yes Mom” or “Yes Ma’m” – to show respect and that they heard you. I think as they mature they are going to learn they need to take instructions and don’t always get a choice about EVERYTHING. They will be better employees because they have learned to listen and obey.
Am grateful to God I stumbled over this blog. I have two kids now 7 and 4 a boy and girl both strong willed. I have learnt a lot from this single article and looking forward to reading more from you. Most ,if not all times my instructions are met with a “but Mummy”. They seem to always have a better idea which drives me nuts. It’s so hard to keep my calm and not loose it. Am not really sure about the first point of giving them options, as someone who thinks way ahead . Am afraid at some point they might have to receive orders from someone probably a boss at work , how and when do they get to learn this if not now? Am not against this point but I am open to hear what you think of this.
Karen, thank you for those great words of encouragement!! So true.
When my son was 12-14 years old, we thought he was off the rails and didn’t know what to do with his attitude and surly attitude, but now at 21 years old, he is such a godly, even-tempered wonderful young adult who is living for the Lord and has such a bright future. Believe me when I say that we didn’t think it was goign to be that way! My advice to anyone with a strong willed and hard to handle child is … hang in there. Be faithful. Be prayerful. Be strong. Be tough. and wait. Sometimes a little maturity will go a long way to even out the rough spots.
Hi Trish, I’m glad you like the post about the strong-willed child….not that I would have ANY experience with a child like that! 😉 Thanks for sharing it! ~Kathie